


i know the world's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home

by asexualizing (Specialcookies)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alderaan, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gatalenta, leia princess of alderaan, pre The Last Jedi, skyfaring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 17:05:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13575060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Specialcookies/pseuds/asexualizing
Summary: Amilyn closes her eyes, whispers, “I’m off. Something’s off. My mind is whirling. I can’t… stop. Thinking. I can’t stop thinking.” A pause. “About – ““About what?”





	i know the world's a broken bone, but melt your headaches, call it home

**Author's Note:**

> you know when you wonder why there's no skyfaring kissing scene and then it just gets away from you, turning into something completely different from the happy flirty skyfaring kissing fic you were thinking about? yeah
> 
> title is unfortunately from northern downpour by panic at the disco

Amilyn catches her right before she crashes face down on the soft, bouncy floor. It wouldn’t have been a disaster; her face would have been fine. She would have been fine. Everything would have been fine, actually, with the incense smoke thick in the air and the colorful scarves twisting around them, Gatalenta’s tranquil atmosphere seeping into Leia’s bones. It’s nothing like getting drunk on Toniray with Amilyn in one of the secret tunnels she used to eavesdrop on her parents from; nothing like the rush that comes with every humanitarian mission that Leia carries on with the knowledge that she is doing something so much bigger than what the Empire believes is happening; nothing like Amilyn riding too fast on a speeder with Leia holding on to her tightly from behind, leaning her head against her back and listening to the buzz of the city below them; nothing like hushed conversations with her parents about the rebellion, like Amilyn squeezing her arm gently, reassuringly, as Leia tells her everything, knowing that this time everybody is trusted and everybody is involved.

No, it isn’t like any of that. Once Leia had begun to make sense of skyfaring, it also made sense to her why it’s a calming exercise for Gatalentans, and why it is so important for them as to have a room in Coruscant for it.

Amilyn claims Leia’s skyfaring talent is unmatched even in herself, and that if Leia would have been doing it for as long as her, there was no way for Amilyn to ever catch up. Sometimes Leia wonders if Amilyn just sees something so grandiose in her that Leia cannot comprehend existing there; sometimes she just shuts up and accepts the compliments. It’s true, though, that with every session of skyfaring with Amilyn, Leia had felt more and more confident in her abilities to not get choked by a bright orange scarf, up to the point where today she decided to try a position she thought was not humanly possible.

She failed, hard and fast, so evidently, maybe it is only possible for humanoids like Amilyn to achieve it.

Usually Amilyn floats elegantly down to her only after Leia hits the ground, but this time Amilyn catches her right before she crashes face down on the soft, bouncy floor, as if on an instinct, as if she’s not thinking straight. Leia was already preparing for the hit, and so as Amilyn’s hands wrap around her, as she lowers the both of them down and turns Leia to face upwards on the soft, bouncy floor, Leia is too shocked to respond. It takes her a few moments to breathe again, and a few more to realize that Amilyn has untangled herself from between the scarves and is now hovering over Leia with a worried expression that shouldn’t be there, her fingers tentatively touching Leia’s cheek.

All Leia can do is raise an eyebrow.

Instantaneously, Amilyn flushes bright red, a neon-like contrast to her pastel pink hair, and falls flat on her back near Leia; far enough so they won’t be touching, close enough so Leia can hear her breathing diligently in and out.

“I apologize,” she says, sounds faraway and like she doesn’t want to be sorry but has to.

“I was just surprised, that’s all,” Leia tries to laugh it off, though finds that she has to make an effort for that to be accomplished.

“I shouldn’t – Nothing would have happened if you fell. It’s part of the process.”

“Right.” Leia turns her head to look. She can see Amilyn’s eyes dancing around after the movement of the scarves. “You never catch me, don’t beat yourself up for the one time you did.” Speaking the words out loud, it’s clear that this isn’t actually what Amilyn is sorry for, nor is it the root of the problem here (and it is definitely not why Leia feels a lump climbing up her throat, higher and higher the longer she stares at Amilyn, whose cheeks are still bright-neon-red). Amilyn swallows, and moves her head in something that faintly resembles a nod.

“Ground exercises?” Leia offers, as it appears that Amilyn is not willing to get off the ground just about now, and Leia’s not sure she wants to touch the scarves again just about now.

But she doesn’t get the answer she hoped for. Instead, Amilyn closes her eyes, whispers, “I’m off. Something’s off. My mind is whirling. I can’t… stop. Thinking. I can’t stop thinking.” A pause. “About – “

“About what?”

***

They were hiding amongst Alderaan’s ruins, settled under a chinar tree. The skies wore different shades of pink and blue and Alderaan’s sun shone on the river flowing beside them, the grass beneath them moist and soft. Leia lay with her hands folded beneath her head, mesmerized by the fallen leaves of the ever-green chinar tree that the wind blew around them. It was difficult, as always, to feel anything but peaceful when looking at the beautiful nature of Alderaan.

“Where did you get it from?” Amilyn asked as her fingers stuffed the spice into a pipe. Leia stretched her legs, yawned.

“It’s not hard when you’re one of the most respected members of the Apprentice Legislature, everybody trusts you.”

“It was Chasellon, was it?”

“Of course it was.”

She didn’t plan on getting it, really. It was just seizing an opportunity that arose when Chasellon started boasting to Sssamm about his stash. Amilyn wrinkled her nose when Leia showed it to her, but resigned her objections when Leia had said: “We should live our lives before we don’t have any chance to do that.”

On Gatalenta, they prefer the natural high over the manufactured one, but Amilyn had never adhered to Gatalentan norms, and Leia wanted to do something reckless that didn’t have any impact on the existence of the galaxy. So there they were, with Amilyn lighting up a pipe full of spice, like two Coruscanti teenagers.

“Do you know what kind it is?”

“Does it matter?”

Amilyn shrugged, but Leia could see that she was worried. Not about smoking it, rather about Leia. She had worn that particular expression a lot in the past months. Leia straightened herself into a sitting position, came to sit next to Amilyn against the trunk. “Chasellon is a good guy, overall. An ass, sometimes, but a good ass.”

“Is that a comment about his actual behind or…?” Amilyn smiling, joking, had relaxed Leia a bit.

“Oh, shut up.” She bumped her shoulder to Amilyn’s.

Amilyn’s smile did not last long, though. Her mouth twisted at the corners, a frown that only Leia knew was a frown on her face, she said, “You’ve been hiding…”

“Hiding?”

“Yourself.”

“Hiding myself?”

“Stop repeating my words with a question mark at the end, you know what I’m talking about.”

Leia opened her mouth to reply with just as much sting as Amilyn carried out, but found herself incapable of that. Amilyn had never been as blunt as this, had never assumed so earnestly that Leia knew what she meant, and what what she meant meant (And now Leia’s the one not making sense, great).

But she was right. About Leia understanding, and somewhere deep inside her, so deep she could ignore it, Leia knew she was right in saying this. Still, Leia pretended otherwise, hoping against hope that Amilyn would drop the subject if she played dumb for long enough: “I don’t, Am.”

“Sod it.” Amilyn hit her head on the trunk. “You’ve always been reckless, but you’ve never been… this. This – “

“This _what_?”

“Frustrating. Indifferent. Dull.”

“ _Dull_?”

“Not… Not boring dull. Unsharpened dull. You know what I’m talking about! Leia – “ Amilyn took a deep breath. Her voice never cracked like this while talking, never had that edge to it, never sounded so utterly panicked. It did, now, and for some reason Leia’s response was rage. She felt her cheeks burning with it, her chest bursting with it.

She turned to her side, facing Amilyn, who was staring resolutely at the top of the tree. “Whatever you’re talking about – “

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Leia screwed her eyes shut, rage flaring up through her whole body now. Counted her breaths. “Fine, fine.” Ripped grass from its roots with her hands. “I do.” Bit at the inside of her cheek until it stung. “You’re talking about the nightmares, because you’ve been lying next to me when they happen and you think I don’t know you stay awake to watch over me, and because you’re too tall for that bed in Coruscant, and you don’t want to leave me alone. You’re talking about the endless arguments in the Apprentice Legislature, because they’ve been getting out of hand and you’re the one to always stop them before I say something truly stupid. You’re talking about the empty gaze I get at afternoons we sit on a roof in Coruscant and I stop responding to you. You’re talking about drinking too much caf and staying up to go through holomaps, charts, documents, which you know about because I message you nonstop, and you stay awake to watch over me. You’re talking about blaming myself constantly for things you think I have no fault in, because you’re always talking about that. Yes, yes, I know what you’re talking about, because I always, for some reason, know what you’re talking about. So please – “

Then Leia ran out of air, out of words, out of fuel, her chest emptied and exposed, like her mother’s. She blinked her eyes open, finding Amilyn watching her intently. Looking down, she saw that Amilyn was holding her shaking hand, preventing her from tearing anymore grass from its roots.

Amilyn didn’t respond to Leia’s words. She didn’t need to, not now; her fierce hold on Leia’s hand was enough. What Leia said – it was enough.

“Come with me to Gatalenta.”

Leia wanted to shake her head no, wanted to keep resisting this… thing Amilyn was doing, trying to fix whatever she could. Trying to make a whole out of Leia’s pieces, somehow. Because it wouldn’t work. But she sniffed, once, twice, forced herself to turn her palm upwards and entwine her fingers in Amilyn’s. “When?”

“Tomorrow, next week, whenever you want. I’ll make you our best tea. We’ll watch the sunrises and I can teach you about our constellations. I’ll tell you my stories. Just – to get away, from here, from Coruscant, from… anything you want. You can forget it there.”

Leia squeezed Amilyn’s hand lightly, nodding. “Will you take me skyfaring?”

Way too quickly, Amilyn pulled Leia into the warmest hug she had ever given her. Leia, dizzy from the sudden movement, sagged into it.

“Of course,” Amilyn spoke with her lips pressed to the top of Leia’s head. “As many times as you’d like.”

Holding onto Amilyn’s bicep, hear head leaning against Amilyn’s breasts, hearing Amilyn’s heart beating unevenly, the words escaped Leia’s mouth: “I love you.”

***

“You. About you.” Amilyn’s voice shakes.

This is the room where Gatalentans feel most comfortable talking in, Leia knows. Whatever they say stays here. They release all troubles and imbalance to dissipate along with the incense smoke, and continue on with their lives refreshed, with a better understanding of themselves. But Leia is certain that whatever Amilyn is about to say will not be treated as the rest of the conversation she had in here. They had in here.

She turns her head back to the ceiling, wonders what will happen if she won’t offer the opportunity. If she’ll stay silent, paralyzed. Will Amilyn go on? Will they both lie here forever, on the soft, bouncy floor? Stare at colorful scarves, let what they both know linger in the incense smoke and breathe it in, never breathe it back out?

She can do that. She can find out. But Amilyn sounds hurt, and confused, and faraway, and Leia feels the lump in her throat turning thicker with emotion.

She closes her eyes too, says, “Talk through the imbalance,” her heart pounding. “If you want – “

“I can talk in metaphors. Some people find that helpful,” Amilyn finishes off for her. She doesn’t sound amused, though, and Leia doesn’t feel amused. Her tongue is thick and dry in her mouth.

She clears her throat. “Yes. Will that… be helpful?”

A Pause. “Leia,” Amilyn begins hesitantly, then, “If I talk, I cannot leave it here. I can’t let it fade.”

A pause. “I know.”

***

She wasn’t even aware of saying it until Amilyn pushed her away, held her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes: “No.”

Leia blinked. “No, what?”

“Not – not _now_. Not here. Not like this.”

“Oh.” Leia realized, panic rising up her throat. She rushed on, “Oh. I’m – I didn’t mean – “

She couldn’t decide if Amilyn was relieved or disappointed. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to – you’re my best friend.” That was the only completely honest thing Leia could bring herself to say.

Amilyn squinted, as if trying to discern how truthful Leia was being. Then she nodded once, and went back to leaning against the trunk, picked up the pipe and rolled it between her fingers, staring at it. Leia felt cold, colder than she should have in the warm Alderaanian breeze.

“Do you want to light it up?” Amilyn asked, still not looking at Leia.

A single leaf landed on her pastel pink hair. Leia couldn’t resist it: she stretched her hand, picked it up and held it between them as an offering. Amilyn finally raised her eyes from the pipe. She took the lead, her fingers brushing Leia’s knuckles, and Leia knew it was a stupid thing to do, but she once again couldn’t resist it. Following Amilyn as she leaned back and her hand fell to the side, Leia placed a single kiss to her cheek, her lips lingering and lingering and lingering. Amilyn huffed a breath, and spoke lowly:

“You know when a planet dies, and I mean really dies…”

Leia pressed her forehead to Amilyn’s temple. “It triggers the birth of a new one.”

“That’s the gist of it.”

“My father says that is how the Force works. Death brings new life with it, decay brings growth.”

“Our galaxy is full of conflict.”

“It is.”

“We are full of conflict.”

And just as she had spoken those words a few minutes back, Leia cupped Amilyn’s cheek in her palm, and kissed her. Her mouth, again, and again, and again, each time with more reverence than before. Amilyn let her, met her with pliant lips. With the one hand she balanced herself on the ground, and with the other clutched the fabric of Leia’s dress.

They did light the pipe, and ended up falling asleep at the afternoon, Leia’s head in the crook of Amilyn’s neck, breathing her flowery scent in, Amilyn’s breath ghosting over her hair. She had felt warm inside and out, enveloped by Amilyn’s gangly limbs, Amilyn’s thumb drawing constellations on her arm. But upon waking up, they had put the hazy dream behind them, separating from each other and never speaking of it as if they had made a decision.

Leia wasn’t sure she could stomach a conversation of that kind. Amilyn seemed to understand her. It appeared to have been fine. They had a moment, and that was it. There was no need for things to change. Leia wasn’t sure she could stomach things changing. Amilyn seemed to understand her.

They continued as if nothing happened, getting drunk on Toniray in one of the secret tunnels Leia used to eavesdrop on her parents from, speeding over Coruscant’s sky in a speeder with Leia holding Amilyn tightly from behind, leaning her head on her back and listening to the buzz of the city below them, fighting uselessly at the Apprentice Legislature, fighting less uselessly with the Rebellion. If something felt different about it all, more… more, Leia hadn’t dared to bring it up, and Amilyn didn’t push.

Then, Leia went to spend the week at Gatalenta.

Amilyn made her their best tea, and Leia caught her watching with a soft smile as Leia drank it, hummed her pleasure. Amilyn took her early in the morning to the best spot from which to watch as many sunrises at once, and Leia caught her watching Leia instead. At late night, Amilyn took her to the best spot from which to observe her system, pointed out so many beautiful things to her but all Leia could do was watch the glimmer in Amilyn’s eyes.

At noon, every day, they took to skyfaring.

***

They lie in silence for a long while. Leia counts Amilyn’s breaths, matches hers to them. When they are completely synced, she opens her eyes and turns to her side, tucking her hands under her head and folding her legs up.

“You’ve never finished the story about the first time your parents saw you with dyed hair.”

Amilyn still has her eyes closed as she speaks, voice barely audible.

“It was red. Same shade as your trees. How are they called?”

“Hydenocks.”

“Right. I thought, you know, because of our cloaks…”

“What happened?”

“Nothing bad. They were shocked, I was ten. Asked me if it’s permanent. I said of course it’s not, how was I supposed to change it to a different color if it were permanent?”

“And then?”

“And then they told me they always noticed something off about me. We value honesty here on Gatalenta, but that word – It stung. Off. I cried, which is also a thing we value on Gatalenta, so they weren’t worried. Next day I washed the dye away. Took me years to do that again. Took me years to cry again, too.”

“Am…” Leia reaches for her hand, and sighs in relief when Amilyn lets her take it.

“That’s how I feel now. Off.”

She would be lying if she said that didn’t hurt. But she would also be lying if she said she understood what that meant for Amilyn. She knows Amilyn likes standing out, knows she finds Gatalentan customs boring. She knows Amilyn doesn’t particularly care when people think she’s different. But what does that have to do with herself, she doesn’t know.

“Why did you catch me?” Leia asks.

“Nightmares.”

“About me?”

Amilyn sniffs, nods. She opens her eyes, finally – they’re glossy, lids heavy. She turns to her side to face Leia.

“If I talk…”

“I know. Do it.”

“I don’t want to only touch you when you’re hurt. I don’t want to only kiss you when you’re sad. I don’t want you to only love me when you’re distressed. I want – “

She doesn’t think about it, just slides closer to Amilyn, needing to reach out to her with everything she’s got. She places her palm on her cheeks, asks: “What do you want?”

“Happiness.”

“We have that.”

Amilyn shakes her head. “You need me as a friend. That’s your happiness.”

“Am,” Leia tries to catch her gaze, continues only when she does. “I’m sorry.”

Amilyn frowns that one frown saved for Leia. “What for?”

She needs to do this.

“Being scared.”

“Of what?”

She needs to do this.

“Falling. What are you scared off?”

“Losing you. Why?”

She needs to do this.

“Because you’re my balance. Why?”

“Because you make the world not off.”

She needs to do this.

“I meant what I said. I love you. And you’re my best friend.” She needs to do this. “And I’m in love with you.” She needs to do this. “And that’s my happiness.”

Amilyn swallows. “That’s my happiness, too.”

“So we can have it. It’s ours.” Leia slides her palm from Amilyn’s cheek to her hand, takes it, places it on her own hair. Amilyn’s eyes widen, and with Leia’s encouraging smile, she gently entwines her fingers there. “Now kiss me.”

***

When they’ll speed for the last time ever over Coruscant’s skies, and Leia would hold onto Amilyn tightly from behind, and lean her head on her back, and listen to the buzz of the city below them, she would say: “It’s not conflict,” and Amilyn would ask: “What?” and Leia would reply: “Death, life. Decay, growth. It’s not conflict.”

“Then what is it?”

“Harmony. Our galaxy is full of harmony.”

“And us?”

“We’re full of harmony.”

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes i post about these girls on [tumblr!](https://straperine.tumblr.com/)


End file.
